A fulfilling life

Guest writer: 'Anonymous'

Men and porn, that there is here earlier an article has been written about doesn't surprise me. Men have a thing for porn, women don't.

Nice though, that there is an article written about it aimed at men and then with the purpose of bringing about insight and repentance. For women this is not necessary, no women have nothing to do with porn. The mere thought of it sends shivers down my spine. I should not even think about sex with another man....

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Recommended book

I read the article with great interest and admire its structure and content. I am sure this will appeal to many men, it cannot fail to do so. Especially the man who has a relationship with the Lord and strives to turn more and more away from sins and do what pleases Him.

Somewhat reassured I can conclude that my alley appears to be "clean" in terms of pornography. How could it be otherwise. I have a relationship with Jesus, I live with Him, I learn new things every day, He makes Himself known to me, all characteristics that all is well between Him and me.

Yet something lingers with me, a thought that I still need to take a closer look at "unhealthy" ties in my own life. What self-focused ties actually bind ME? Okay, open door, I smoke cigarettes every day. Every two days I need a new pack because they run out. Yes, then you are addicted. I already knew this but in the context of unhealthy ties it might be good to address this anyway. Oh well, in addition, I have a love-hate relationship with food. I have a fondness for unhealthy food and give in to that but am willing to eat less, or very little, for a day as compensation for all the calories.

And maybe there is another little thing but I dare not say. Smoking is bad but not a taboo. For women, (healthy) eating is a known and accepted issue but that other ... no no one talks about that on a birthday. I satisfy myself....

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Focusing on myself

I have no problem with this, neither does my husband at least he knows I do it.
As a young girl, I "accidentally" discovered that I could satisfy myself. This gave me such a pleasant feeling that from that discovery I started doing this almost daily. I didn't think it was bad, but I knew it wasn't smart to tell the class, so I kept it to myself. Years went by.

I got into a relationship and since premarital sex was a difficult problem self-gratification offered a great solution. Even in our marriage it continued to take place and it didn't bother me. Till reading this article. While I don't score on porn, I do score when it comes to self-focused-sexuality.

I get hot and cold at the same time when I find out that my "alley" turns out to be not so clean after all. At the same time, I wonder how come God didn't make that clear to me earlier, then I would certainly have let it go. As I write this, I realize that I also don't let other things (smoking, unhealthy eating) even though I have known for a long time that that is "missing the mark." And if I am honest, I did hear once in a sermon that self-gratification is sin.¹ But since the explanation of that was not engaging I did not feel addressed. I'm not thinking of another man, am I?

The consequences of this long-standing pattern I suddenly see sharply before me. I see that I am ashamed of my body. I see that my parents failed to teach me what unconditional "loving" is. I see that I do not share certain feelings and thoughts with my husband and keep him mentally distant in those very vulnerable areas.

All this under the motto that a man should not be the filler of your holes, your missing-and unhealed-pieces. A man is a complement and not a filler.

It is God who fills the void

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How strange really that I have completely cast aside this wisdom when it comes to myself to then fill my holes with addictions, sins directed at myself. I reflect further on my addictions and see how cunningly one after another has crept into my life. I didn't even recognize it as sinful or addictive. But then I consider that if I don't realize it, there are probably many others with me who have this too!

How bad! Who is sprinkling sand in our eyes and binding our hands and feet so we can't move? That can only be Satan. How is it that he is in a position to "enter" people who know the Lord, families who serve the Lord? How is it that we have not clothed ourselves with complete armor?²

I have only paid attention to "obvious" sins; not swearing, stealing, cheating etc. But I have not considered my own vulnerabilities and seemingly "gray" areas. Where I may need a little more protection because they are weak spots in my fortress. Where I have bruises and bruises on my spiritual body.

There are no band-aids stuck there, no oil poured there, those are my unhealed pieces. And that is precisely where we are vulnerable. And the misery is that your family, your friends or even your husband does not know or may not see those unhealed pieces.

I also see the impact of my sins toward my husband. I sabotaged our "spiritual connection." My husband could not even care for my unhealed pieces because I simply did not allow him to. I did not allow my husband to take care of me in all areas as God instructed him to do. My husband has missed a piece of his purpose to this day because of my sins. My sins have harmed another. My sins were not only missing a purpose for myself but also missing a purpose for my partner. What a sad sensation!

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Not content

We can now dismiss this under the guise of "we all have some and when the Lord comes back then everything will be over." But no, that would mean that we needlessly torment ourselves and those around us throughout our lives because of our addiction. That would be like living your life in a dilapidated shed and only finding out after years that the corresponding mansion was also empty, you could have lived comfortably for years, for free!

As we do our best to have a fine and loving relationship with our partner, surely it is a great, daily desire for us children of God, bride of Jesus, to experience more and more intimacy with Him?
Why settle for less when there is more!

We don't do that in our marriage either, do we? And surely we know that our life with God is called marriage! How do you achieve that intimacy with your bridegroom: by leaving sins, goal misses behind you! No matter how small, unknown or innocent your ties may seem:

• They damage your soul.
• Camouflage your unhealed areas so that the pain continues unabated and you do not recover.
• They bring a piece of separation between you and your partner which can make your relationship noet optimal.
• The love and glory of our Lord cannot reveal itself fully to you because you have a different king in some areas of your life.

Recommended book

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Footnotes

1) Is self-gratification sin? Self-gratification is not literally mentioned in the Bible, but the Bible is clear about love that is self-centered (satisfying yourself is self-love). On the contrary, the Bible preaches a love that is not self-centered, but asks you to lay yourself off and focus on the other. If we argue that a gray area does not exist (something is of God or it is not) then I would argue that self-centered love is not of God. And therefore sinful. A common counter-argument is that if it is not literally in the Bible it will not be that important, or that you can make your own choices about it. However, this is a dangerous proposition. After all, there is a lot that is not literally in the Bible such as difficult questions regarding abortion, euthanasia, etc.
What is a good argument is that God made you as a sexual being. Also with your desires, feelings and your hormonal balance. A good article with a nuanced opinion can be found here. Personally, I still see nuance between the situation as a bachelor and that between married couples. Yet I think all in all you can say; self love is not the sacrificial love Jesus shows us. Is not the love we can follow and be filled with.
2) Eph. 6:13 says, Therefore grasp the armor of God to be able to resist in the day of evil and to stand firm, contending to the end. And how is that to be done? You read that in the verses that follow: Set yourselves up, truth like a girdle around your waist, righteousness like armor around your chest, zeal for the gospel of peace like footwear on your feet. Always carry the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the burning arrows of evil. Also carry the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, that is, the word of God. Pray and plead in the Spirit at every opportunity and in all kinds of ways. To this end, keep night vigils, persistently pleading with God on behalf of all the saints.