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Partner relationship

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For this theme, I assume a partner relationship. In this sense, it does not matter much whether it is a biological parent or educator in the family. There may already be a situation where you are on your own. If the children's parent/educator is still in the picture, reading through may still be helpful. If a parent/educator is no longer in the picture, then this topic can be skipped.

Arguing between partners often increases, there is more tension, you can have less of each other. The more separation the less you can have of each other. And then perhaps situations with arguments arise in front of the children. This is undesirable, but sometimes perhaps unavoidable. Also, make it right again in front of the children. Explain that things didn't go quite the way you wanted them to and show them how to resolve arguments again.

If your relationship comes under more stress, be mindful of that: not the individual, but the family system is under pressure. Not everything that happens in the family is now the fault of ' the sick one' (see also under stigmatization), but tensions arise where individuals connect. Also make the relationship part of the solution. Relationship therapy (or system therapy) also played an important role with us to make and keep the relationship and tensions at home discussable and manageable.

In the book is divorce named as a theme, but not elaborated on. We got through it together as a family and we wish this for everyone. But for others, this may not play as big a role or there may be a broken relationship. These pages give reason to discuss this theme, to talk about it with each other. Be trustworthy and honest. Don't make statements you can't live up to. But don't get ahead of yourself either.

Children realize a lot; pretending it's not there usually doesn't work. Also, do not confide in children as if they are equal interlocutors (see also under parentification), but take them on their own level and what they can emotionally handle in the concrete events. For example, "Dad and mom do argue a little more lately don't they? But we still love each other.'

Create space where questions can arise and be discussed. Take time for one-on-one attention, listening to the ' question behind the question.' Often questions or comments will come right out of the blue, like in the book during a shared moment in the bathroom. You may not know how to respond right away; that's not a bad thing at all. Just indicate that and come back to it later.

Because there is so much more to say about the partner relationship and breakups, there are other books and perhaps the relationship therapist would be much better suited to tell more about this and/or to discuss it with. I won't elaborate on this topic here, but mostly want to challenge you not to leave it at that. Good counseling in both an ongoing partner relationship and in a possible divorce are of great importance to the whole system. Relationships-good and not-so-good-have great impact on the children. Seek help whenever possible.


Erwin de Ruiter

"One man tries to express himself in books, another in boots; both are likely to fail." - G.K. Chesterton

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