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The need for sex from "Lust" (2/5)

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Kijkwijzer_erotica2 I believe everyone is tempted in their own way in this world. Maybe there are those who can make a choice overnight and stop smoking, start eating healthy, start reading their Bible daily, and so on. But each one, at the same time, has its own struggles. In this section, I will discuss why it can be so difficult to quit pornography from the perspective of "lust. And I'll go a little further into what the addictive effects are. Ultimately, of course, we want to get to the question of "how to become unattached. How to actually be free in the name of Jesus!

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Hunger & appetite

Dealing with temptation

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The desire to be together as husband and wife was created by God (Gen. 2: 21-25). So sexuality and the desire for it is something that belongs within God's creation. In fact, the Bible can be quite explicit when it comes to sexuality, consider the book of Song of Songs by Salamo!

You can compare the desire for sex to the concepts of hunger and craving. Hunger is an actual empty stomach and a physical need for food. Craving is the equivalent where, however, there is no actual "empty stomach," but only a desire for food.

Thus, within a marriage, you can consider the physical attraction to be 1 together as hunger. It is something important and elemental within a marriage. It builds up, strengthens, gives renewal. Just as food does to a hungry stomach.

The need for sex, "lust," we can then think of as "craving. It refers to a physical need and positively contributes to keeping the stomach filled. In origin, then, it is a good signaler. It can be a signal that reflects a physical need. As, for example, the craving for sweets does in the case of a sugar deficiency during, say, strenuous work.

fast foodThe problem with lust is that it is something that can also send false signals (not an actual need, but just the idea of it). This is inherent in the consumer society we live in, but which is also something you see reflected throughout history (more on that later). Just think about how the parable with food holds true: We eat far more throughout the day than our bodies need. And in the process, we also eat food that we don't need at all; cookies, candy, sweet drinks, etc. To this our body becomes accustomed and wants more of these "fast" foods. It leads to an unhealthy lifestyle resulting in bad teeth, obesity and heart disease.

Once accustomed to all that tasty and fast food, this leads to habit formation. This makes you feel like "snacking" earlier and earlier, and snacking between meals makes you feel less and less need for a real (healthy) meal. So the scope and size of the problem is increasing.

This is exactly what also happens with lust. Giving in to it more and more often also creates more and more need. A need is created that is separate from the need for intimacy with your husband/wife. With this, this sex headneed real intimacy gets in the way. The habit formation that occurs (which can lead to compulsive behavior and obsessive thinking) creates brief moments of "de-tension. By this I mean the release of tension. It provides bonding with your emotional state. This also has a physical component, as it releases substances that give you a temporary feeling of happiness.1 As a result, you start using the moments of watching porn/self-gratification, for example, as tension regulation. Or at times when you are angry and/or sad. When you feel lonely. You could see self-gratification, like other patterns (excessive and unhealthy eating, smoking, alcohol abuse), as a stimulant. A stimulant to evoke certain feelings of happiness, satisfaction, being "wanted," and so on, and thus at the same time to suppress negative feelings. This also involves thoughts; 'I am entitled to it', 'everyone does it', etc. Bonds are also formed within the spiritual world because sex does not stand alone. It relates to your relationship, your thoughts, your emotion, your contact with God and the lifestyle you lead. Moreover, it is related to the evil world behind the porn industry. The addiction aspect, as you will understand, is very high.
In Part 3 of this article, I will go into more detail about all the aspects as described above. However, the above outlines the picture needed to begin to understand why it is so difficult to get rid of your unwanted habit(s).

tumblr_mhdlswfldg1qapvyvo1_500I believe one of the things that is crucial here is the realization that what you are doing is sinful and removes you from God. When focusing too much on sin, however, guilt can arise from the accuser (Satan). This brings you down. Makes you feel even worse about yourself than you may have already done. And deprives you of your dreams.

God doesn't want to make you feel guilty. He convicts of sin so that you learn how to become more and more like Jesus. The difference is that having guilt makes you focus on "not sinning anymore," resulting in failure. This makes you feel even worse about yourself. This puts even more focus on sin and failure. Resulting in perhaps giving up. And as the ultimate result disappointment in God.

What the nudging of the Holy Spirit does is show you where the blockage is between you and God. It makes you focus on Him. No focus on 'self-realization' (asceticism)2 but a focus on desire. And what a drive this can be to stop that which holds you down! A drive not to pass God by, but to listen to His Spirit.

1 Tes. 4: 3-8 says: For this is the will of God: that you sanctify yourselves by abstaining from fornication. Each one of you must know how to live with his wife in holiness and honor, without being carried away by passion like the pagans, who do not know God. Let no one transgress and shortchange his brother in this respect, for the Lord punishes all this, as we have emphatically told you before. God has not called us to uncleanness but to sanctification. Therefore, whoever scorns these admonitions does not scorn a man but God, who after all gives you His Holy Spirit.


Sexual development

The issues surrounding distorted sexuality experiences can arise early on. In adolescence, you begin to discover what sexuality is, what love is, what relationships mean.

As a child, you hear peers in your class talk about masturbation and what it's all about. Out of curiosity, you start trying it yourself. Soon you discover that it is a nice and exciting feeling. You also discover that in the moments when you satisfy yourself, you don't feel so lonely. Afterwards, you sometimes feel empty, but that doesn't outweigh the pleasure in the moment itself. At some point you get used to comforting yourself in moments of loneliness. At first you do it occasionally but later you do it several times a day.3

Yet sex is by no means always used as an escape. Rather, for many young people, it is the excitement and curiosity that draws (at first). Sex has become a big deal in our culture. Young people are becoming sexually active earlier and earlier; sexual victories have become trophies for many boys. Sexual pleasure has become at everyone's fingertips because of the Internet.The risks should not be underestimated.

So it could be that a normal exploration during adolescence (a search for one's identity, discovery of sexuality and relating to others) results in persistent undesirable behavior. And as appointed, this does not contribute to a deep and intimate relationship with the other and the Other (God).


Sex and marriage

Schermafbeelding_2013-03-01_om_16.03.40God clearly states in the Bible that sexuality belongs within a marriage (see Heb. 13:4 and Rom. 7:2-3, among others). The reason I mark watching porn and the resulting action (self-gratification) as sinful is because it is referred to in the Bible as adultery.Paul says to the unmarried and widows in 1 Cor. 7:8-9: It's good for them if they stay like me. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. It is better to marry than to burn. So for lack of self-control before marriage, the advice is to marry, which is all the more indicative that sexuality fits within marriage.6

In doing so, the Bible sees addiction not so much as a disease (as current counseling does), but as a sin and being stuck in sin. For example, read Rom. 6 which deals with "slavery," especially verse 12: So do not let sin rule your mortal existence, do not give in to your lusts.

By dealing with yourself in this way, satisfying yourself, separation occurs. Removal from yourself, your partner and removal from God.



It might just be that you are now asking yourself "is it right between You and me Lord?". I think this is an important question with a simple answer: The fact that you are asking yourself this is because you have a relationship with God. God forgives and makes whole. He has come precisely for the sinner. However, the question is; When God's Spirit convinces you of sin, do you choose Him or do you choose your own way. Do you go left or right. Do you choose the narrow way or the wide way? According to the Bible, there is no "middle way" with the pleasures (sin) but not the burdens (the consequence). Choose every day to follow Him instead of yourself. Then you may also stay close to Him.

We all have a past and we all have a future. Don't let your past define, determine, color, distort or dictate your future. You can still be a "man of God" who matters, that loving husband, that wonderful father as God conceived you from before the foundation of the world. Let us go forth in great expectation. Are you ready? Let's do it.7

In conclusion, you could say that addiction to sex can have several causes. First pain (you then use sex as an escape from reality) and second lust. I discussed the cause "lust" above. In the next section I will discuss sex as an escape from reality and its social element.

To conclude, the video below on the empty promise of sex, called "Sexual Healing" (Dutch subtitles by

Any questions or comments? Then please read continued or send us a message. 

[vimeo 60544440 w=640&h=360]


This is part 2 of a 5-part series: read more

Dealing with temptation

Recommended book


1) It has long been argued within addiction psychiatry that it is time to look beyond "addiction as a learned behavior. It is not an autonomous phenomenon but has other underlying causes. It argues a more neurological approach ( in a broader perspective (a place within the mental health system). Regarding substance abuse and the long-term addict, I agree. However, I do not believe in addiction as a disease. However, I do believe that with long-term addiction your brain, your thinking and your social perspective are so affected that they become (irreparably) damaged. Irreparable from a human perspective. Because with God, profound healing is indeed possible. 

2) Asceticism: The pursuit or practice of a pure walk of life by curbing one's own passions and lusts and applying self-forgiveness. Asceticism may involve self-flagellation.

3) 08-02-2013,,

4) 23-02-2013, Ferdinand Bijzet,

5) See Mat 5: 27-28. Self-gratification is not mentioned literally in the Bible, but the Bible is clear about love that is self-centered (satisfying yourself is self-love). For more on this subtopic, see the article a fulfilling life

6) In another article, I want to address the relationship between sex and marriage. The fact is that when you have had sex with someone God asks you to be faithful to that person. So this fits within TRUTH. It not only fits within marriage, it is also a deep intimate bond that you enter into with someone, connecting you to each other on a deeper level. You can't just break this connection. So from this perspective you could say that if you have sex outside of marriage (sex act) and then marry another person you are committing adultery. As appointed; I will come back to this in an upcoming article.

7) Men of God


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Erwin de Ruiter

"One man tries to express himself in books, another in boots; both are likely to fail." - G.K. Chesterton

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